Lies and Half-Truths
by luvingbtr
Summary: Hollywood's a place where everyone is the epitome of perfect. Remember the pact Big Time Rush made? That they'd never change themselves just because they were in a new place? Well, when one band member starts to see distortion of himself in the mirror, he goes to far lengths to change himself, oblivious to the fact that he might be hurting himself to the point where he's unfixable.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! So, this is my new story! I've got a couple of warnings, before you start reading. **

**This story deals with self-harm and anorexia, it may be triggering. Be careful when you read, because I've struggled with both anorexia and self-harm, so sometimes, I do tend to add my own experiences to the story. It'll be pretty intense. **

**Also, there will be of cursing and foul language. I'm sorry if this bothers you, but it's needed for the story to be realistic.**

"Logan, get your nose outta that book! We're gonna be late!"

Carlos' cry cuts through the silence of the apartment, making Logan look up. He's reading a medical textbook, specifically about heart attacks and the cardiovascular system. It's a very intriguing topic, considering his strive to become a doctor. However, Gustavo's rehearsal times, school, and his friends often cut into his reading time.

He doesn't mind too much, after all, he's working his butt off at Rocque Records, so he and his best friends can be famous and successful. Though, once the band breaks up, he does have something to fall back on, which is nice. He loves singing and dancing with his friends, but all good things must come to an end. And when they do, he'll be able to go to college, the first step to becoming a doctor.

"'Litos, James is probably still doing his hair, we've got time," He reassures the Latino, who is running around the apartment, trying to pack his duffel bag for the dance rehearsal they have later in the afternoon. Logan grabs his duffel bag, hoisting it over his shoulder, before walking over to the edge of swirly.

"But Logie! It's already 9:13 and we gotta be there at 9:30!" Carlos whines, pointing to the kitchen clock.

"James! Kendall! We gotta go!" He calls up the slide, wondering why Kendall isn't down yet. The blonde is normally the first one fully ready, and he often rushes the rest of them, fearing being late, because of Gustavo's temper.

As if on cue, the blonde slides down swirly, his duffel bag on his lap and an apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry! Jo called and I lost track of time," He apologizes, going over to stand by Carlos.

"James!" Logan calls again, somewhat irritated. It's the same thing every morning, James taking forever to do his hair, barely making it to Rocque Records on time, being yelled at by Gustavo. If they're even a minute late, Gustavo goes much harsher on them throughout the day, and sometimes tacks on extra time to make up for the time they've missed. It's not fun at all, and if James doesn't hurry up, that's what they're in for.

At last, the tall brunette appears at the bottom of the slide, looking perfect, his duffel bag on his shoulder. "I'm ready, let's go!"

"Finally," Kendall reprimands, sighing. He tosses the car keys to Logan, him being the only one who has a full license.

"Let's go!" Logan calls, catching the keys.

…

"DOGS! YOU'RE 5 MINUTES LATE!" Gustavo's booming voice can be heard on the streets, his face red, scrunched up in anger.

Logan shifts awkwardly in his place, next to Kendall, before speaking. "Sorry Gustavo, we were a bit delayed this morning."

"Well, dog," Gustavo sneers, bringing his face inches away from Logan's. "You all can stay an extra hour, plus no breaks today! That'll teach you to be late! Now, go put your stuff away! We're starting with harmonies for Love Me Again!"

Their producer walks off, Kelly following with an apologetic glance.

…

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Gustavo bellows, turning off the music. "LOGAN, YOU'RE SCREWING UP AS USUAL!"

The guys take off their headsets, Logan hanging his head. He sighs, staring at the floor. _Why can't I do anything right?_

"Alright, that's it!" Kendall glares at their boss, his eyes blazing green fire. "What is your freakin' problem?! You've been yelling at Logan all week!"

"Well, maybe if he sang the right lyrics, I wouldn't have to!"

"Guys, take a break," Kelly says, shushing Gustavo when he starts protesting. "I'll talk to Gustavo."

Immediately, Logan opens the door of the recording booth and steps out, walking past Gustavo, heading for the lounge. He finally reaches the couches, but footsteps follow. Kendall, Carlos, and James.

"I just wanna be alone," He mutters, walking past the lounge, and out of the studio. He leans against the wall, sighing heavily. It's true. He's never been able to do anything right. Out of the four of them, Gustavo yells at him the most, because both his singing and dancing suck. The only strength he has is his signature backflip, which is only used in music videos or during concerts.

"Logie? Sorry to interrupt, but Gustavo said break's over," James says, poking his head out the door. Logan looks up, a fake smile plastered on his face. He nods, and James smiles at him, before ducking back into the building.

Sighing again, Logan walks back into the studio, blinking back the tears in his eyes.

…

"Alright! Get Up! X-dance!" Mr. X announces, as the four guys stretch. They're wearing basketball shorts and t-shits, stretching so they won't pull any muscles. The music starts, and Logan grunts, before beginning the complicated moves, trying to be as in sync as possible. All four of them are supposed to do the moves together, so timing is key. But, when you've got four different guys, timing is the hardest part. James often rushes, while he is often too slow. Carlos and Kendall are somewhere in the middle, but they all need to be in the middle, for it too look right.

Surprisingly, Griffin walks into the dance studio, two of his employees behind him. Mr. X stops the music, and all four guys turn to their CEO.

"No no, keep dancing! I came to observe," Griffin tells them.

Mr. X nods, and restarts the music. Logan's stomach sinks. Griffin…watching his every move? It's nerve-wracking, because their CEO will point out his each and every mistake. Voice all the flaws he has, making him feel like a screw-up Gustavo already hurts him enough.

"Alright, stop!" Griffin commands. The music is turned off once again, and all four of them turn to the older man. "Kendall, James, Carlos, good job. Logan, you have to work a little harder! You need to keep up with them!"

"I'm sorry. I'll try harder," he mutters. He knew this would happen. Griffin would call him out in front of his friends, Mr. X, and Gustavo. Just to prove how much of a screw-up he is. This just proves it…he's horrible.

"And Logan. We've been seeing reports of fan comments, saying you're fatter than the other three. They do have a point…I'd advise you to drop a few pounds, so you'll be just as popular as Kendall, James, and Carlos."

Stop.

Logan's heart stops.

Fatter?

Is he really fatter than Kendall, James, and Carlos?

**So, there's the first chapter. I'd love to know your thoughts! Review!**

**XO ~Neha**


	2. Chapter 2

**I wanted to address something- I got a guest review, saying this story is moving a little too fast. I just wanted to say, that I've got a plan! The first chapter did cut to the chase, but the story will move much slower, from the end of this chapter, onward. Just wanted to clear that up! Enjoy this chapter!**

It's as if everyone's stares burn his skin. He can't do this…not right now. He's way too overwhelmed, and he does the only thing he can think of at that very second.

Run.

Logan runs out of the studio, away from their stares, away from the harsh eyes of Griffin, away from everything. He hates the world so much right now. He knows he's about to panic, so he runs straight out of Rocque Records, heading for the back of the building.

His thinking place.

He hears shouts and cries from his best friends, but he ignores every one of them. He's about to break, and he has never let _anyone_ see him like this. All he knows is, he can't take it anymore. He's not thinking straight, no matter how much he forces himself to try and remember something. It's like his mind is completely blank, a thick fog. Finally, he reaches his destination and sits with his back against the wall.

Griffin's words slammed into him like a ton of bricks. Fat? He's always been insecure about himself, and his self-esteem has always been lower than Kendall's, James', or Carlos'. He's the most cautious, the most indecisive, he could go on forever. And Gustavo and Kelly and Kendall and James and Carlos and Griffin's two employees all heard him say those venomous words. _You're fatter than the other three. You're fatter than the other three. I'd advise you to drop a few pounds so you'll be as popular as Kendall, James, and Carlos._

He doesn't even realize it, but tears are leaking out of his eyes and falling down his cheeks. He didn't even know he was crying. Another reason he's weak. Crying for every damn thing.

"Logie?" A voice invades his ears, and Logan jumps, startled. He wipes his face with his shirt quickly, trying to hide any evidence that he's been crying, before his friends come over.

However, only James emerges from the shadows, a look of warmth and sympathy on his face. Dammit. He doesn't _need _sympathy. He doesn't need _anyone_ to sugarcoat _anything_. Sympathy will just make him feel better and continue disappointing fans. He's fat. Weight loss _needs _to become his primary goal.

"Hey Logie," James says, sitting next to him. "Griffin's wrong. He's an asshole, buddy. But, how're you holdin' up?"

"Fine," Logan replies tightly. He's doing his best to put on a strong demeanor, and not let James find out that inwardly, he's completely breaking.

"No. You're not fine, Logan. Griffin's words got to you, I can tell. You may be trying to hide it as much as possible, but I can see through your mask. It's okay to break, Logie. You need it once in a while. No one else has to know."

And that's all it takes.

Logan buries his head in his hands, as the waterworks begin again. James' words really hit him hard, and he honestly feels like he's breaking. His resolve is crumbling, and he can't control _anything _anymore. He's breaking down, right in front of James. He hates himself for it, the fact that he's too weak to wait until he's alone to cry. But, there's nothing he can do. Everything just…got to him, and now, he's lost control.

"Oh, Logie…c'mere," James whispers, pulling Logan into his arms. The shorter brunette almost cries in relief at that. James' comforting hold is all anyone needs to feel safe. So, he just cries into the older boy's chest, letting James hold him.

* * *

Sighing, James tightens his arms around his brother, rubbing his back gently. He hates the fact that Logan has to go through this. Ever since they came to LA, he's been berated by Gustavo and Griffin. Hell, he was the predicted member to get kicked off the show, if that had actually happened. James knows his brother is hurting, and he's hurting badly.

"Let it all out, bro. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," he murmurs, as Logan shakes and trembles against him. He feels his shirt slowly soaking with Logan's tears, but that doesn't matter. What does matter, is that Logan's okay. After all, he was just told a bunch of lies that he probably believes. Just because Griffin is their CEO, he isn't always right. Logan is _not_ fat. If anything, he's thin. Very thin. He watches what he eats, and though he doesn't exercise, that much outside of dance rehearsals, he doesn't consume all kinds of junk food.

Kendall and Carlos are back at the studio, yelling at Griffin for what he said. As soon as Logan ran out, the three of them pretty much raged at their CEO. However, one of them had to go find the brunette and make sure he was okay. James decided to come, because Logan opens up to him the most.

He feels his brother hiccup, before letting out one last whimper, and lifting his head. James smiles gently at him, taking instant notice of how horrible he looks. His face is red from crying, a contrast to his pale skin, his cheeks are wet with tears, and his eyes are glassy, shining with unshed tears. He's shivering, and his chocolate brown eyes are cast downward.

"You okay now?" James asks, wiping Logan's cheeks with his thumb.

"Yeah, thanks…" Logan replies, still not making eye contact.

"You can always come to me if you're hurting, Logie. I'll always listen. And please remember, you're not at all fat. You're perfect, just the way you are, and we all love you."

* * *

James pulls him up, and smiles again. Sighing, Logan turns toward the path that'll lead them back to the front of the studio. He really needed to break down, but he's ashamed that he couldn't wait until he was alone.

"C'mon, let's go home," James says.

He can't. His legs refuse to move. He's way too embarrassed to face Kendall and Carlos. He's breaking inside again, and the short brunette collapses into James' chest.

"I'm gonna faint…" He mutters. It wasn't a lie; he _does_ feel like passing out. His legs feel like jello, and he's really tired.

"Let's get you home," James says, pulling Logan off of him, before snaking an arm behind his back, and behind his knees. In one motion, he lifts Logan into the arms.

Logan catches a grunt, as James lifts him. His heart sinks. That must prove he's overweight. Usually, James has no problem carrying him. After all, the muscular guy is able to lift _Kendall_, who's almost as tall as him.

Bottom line: Logan Mitchell is a fatass that needs to lose weight, before he loses friends.

For now, he's too upset to care about that. He just buries his face in James' chest, whimpering softly, as the brunette carries him out front.

* * *

James finally reaches their car, Kendall and Carlos already there. Both of them give him questioning glances, and he sighs.

"He's fine, just not feeling his best. Leave him alone, he's pretty embarrassed about it," James says, as Carlos opens the backseat door for him. He gives the Latino a grateful smile, before placing Logan in the seat, sitting him upright. After he's sure Logan's comfortable, he gets in next to him.

"You okay, Loges?" Kendall says from the driver's seat, turning around to look at the small boy. "We're off for the next week, courtesy of Kelly. Everything's good, Logie."

"Fine, and thanks," Logan says in a monotone.

The drive back to the Palm Woods is silent. Logan's staring out the window, a blank expression on his face, and it's worrying James. It doesn't look as if Logan's convinced that he's not overweight. He still looks pretty upset about it, and James' blood boils. Damn Griffin. As if Logan's self-esteem wasn't already small, it's been ripped away now. There's none left, just an empty, broken shell of their brother.

And James can't take it.

* * *

Logan stares at the ceiling, as silent tears stream down his cheeks. He locked himself in the room he shares with James, as soon as they got home, not wanting to communicate with anyone.

"Weight loss…how do I do this?" He mutters, sitting up. Crying like a baby won't help that much, but maybe the Internet will.

He grabs his laptop, and searches dieting. A slew of websites come up, all about different healthy diets. That'll take forever. Those diets predict results in _months_. He doesn't have that long. He needs to lose weight, and _fast._

Suddenly, it comes to him.

Not eating.

If he stops eating, and just barely eats enough to survive, he should lose weight, right? After all, eating like a pig was what got him this far. Just a few adjustments, and he'll be good to go.

It can't hurt, can it?

**So, did you guys like the Jagan? It was just bromance, no slash, I don't write slash. xD Anyways, review!**

**XO ~Neha**


	3. Chapter 3

This is it.

Logan stares at the scale in front of him, regarding it for a moment. In one motion, he pulls his shirt and shorts off, leaving him naked except for his boxers. He steps on the scale, clenching his eyes shut and crossing his fingers.

178

He hasn't lost any weight.

How is that even possible? He stares at the number, like in a trance. He's barely eaten anything these past two days. All he's had in _total_ are an apple, a glass of milk, and a bowl of cereal. Oh, and a hell of a lot of water. Water fills him up, so he doesn't have to worry about craving food. It's just…why isn't it working? Why isn't he losing the weight? Is he doing something wrong?

Sighing, he steps off the scale, and pulls his shirt and shorts back on, shaking his head. He's pathetic. He can't even lose a pound in two days.

"God, I'm pathetic," he mumbles to himself, walking back to his room.

"Logie? You alright?" He looks up, into James' concerned eyes. James has been on his tail ever since they've gotten home, constantly asking if he's okay. It's like he has no room to breathe, and he _hates _it. Sure, he usually goes to James with his problems, but this is just too much. He needs space and time, James just won't get off his back.

"I'm fine! You're such a freakin' control freak! Get it through your head, you can't control everything! Now, just get out of my way and leave me the hell alone!" He snaps at the taller boy, feeling a pang of guilt when hurt flashes in James' gaze.

"I'm sorry…" James mumbles, before turning away. Logan doesn't miss the tears shining in his eyes, as he turns. Guilt consumes his body, and he whimpers softly. _Do I have to hurt everyone?_

He knows that James isn't overly sensitive, so he _must've_ really hurt the brunette, either by his tone of voice, the curse word, or his words in general. Typically, he thinks before he speaks, but he just…didn't this time. And of course, it backfires. He didn't mean to hurt James, but he's in no mood to fix a friendship.

He continues to his bedroom, halting when he notices the door is locked. _James must be inside._ Pressing his ear to the door, Logan hears muffled sobs. Part of him wants to demand entry, and apologize to James, comforting him, and telling him everything. But the other part of him wants to be thin. Wants to be popular and liked by their fans.

And that part of him is stronger.

* * *

At few hours later, he's at the gym, running on the treadmill. He's been running for the past hour, and his body is protesting furiously, but he ignores it and increases the speed on the machine. Currently, he's running at 7.3 miles per hour, and he's run about 7 miles. His entire body hurts, and he feels like passing out, but he ignores the pain.

Finally, the pain becomes too much to bear. He powers off the treadmill, and grabs his water bottle, taking a long swig of the cold liquid.

Bad idea.

The water makes him feel even more nauseous. He swallows hard, trying to make the nauseous feeling go away. He can't puke. Not now. Not with everyone watching him. But the feeling doesn't go away. He has to puke, he feels really horrible.

Logan runs out of the gym, and straight toward the restrooms. He sprints into the files stall, not bothering to look the door. As soon as he drops to his knees, the vomit practically flies out of him, hitting the bowl with a loud splash. He heaves once more, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Finally, the retches cease, and he slumps back against the wall, panting. Tears still stream down his cheeks, and he whimpers. Goddamnit, he's miserable. And pathetic. And weak. He couldn't even workout without getting sick. How freakin' pathetic is he?!

His phone rings, and he jumps, startled. Still crying, he answers the call, trying to keep the tears out of his voice.

"Logan, it's Carlos. What the hell did you say to James?! You made him cry, you jerk! Why do you have to go and ruin _everything?_ You hurt_ everyone!_"

"W-What…?" He stutters, in shock. Carlos has never said anything _remotely_ as horrible to him.

"You asshole! I'm gonna go make sure James is okay. And do me a favor, stay the hell away from my brother!"

Carlos hangs up, and Logan lets the phone fall out of his hands and crash to the tile floor. He wouldn't care if it broke, because right now, he's too overwhelmed. James…crying…ruin everything…jerk…asshole. The words jumble in his mind, consuming him with guilt and self-hatred.

It hurts so much. He made his brother cry. The brother that held him, comforted him, carried him to the car because he was too weak to walk. And in payment, he made James cry. James never cries. And his words were hurtful enough to break his brother.

He's horrible.

The sobs come, violent and loud. He doesn't do anything to stop them, just buries his face in his hands, and breaks down. He cries hard, the smell of his vomit, filling his nostrils and the phone conversation with Carlos clogging his mind.

He just can't do it anymore.

* * *

Back at the apartment, Logan's locked in his bathroom. When he entered, Carlos' hateful glares made him want to disappear.

He's sitting on the floor, crying softly, with a broken razor blade next to him. This dieting thing is shit. He doesn't deserve to live anyway. He's fat. He's a jerk. He's an asshole. He made James cry.

He's vowed to never self-harm. Always talk to his friends if something was hurting him this much. There's no point in that. His friends all hate him. He deserves to die. He's never been good enough for anyone. Not for Gustavo, Griffin, his friends, and most of all, his parents. He was abandoned at a young age. Not legally, but his parents were barely there because they hated him so much.

He finally thought he was getting some self-esteem back. Then came Griffin. Griffin tore his self-esteem down, and now, now his friends hate him. What does he even have to live for?! No, he's not going to end his life. Not yet, anyway. All he's gonna do is cut a little. Why not? He deserves the pain, anyway.

"I'm such a fucking screw-up…" he mutters to himself, grabbing the razor blade. He pulls up his sleeve, and holds the blade to his wrist, tears sliding down his cheeks.

Then, in one motion, he drags the blade across his skin.

**I'm sorry for all the cursing, I felt it needed for the story to be realistic. What do you guys think of Logan's cutting? Do you think Carlos was right to yell at him? Review! You guys are the best!**

**XO ~Neha**


	4. Chapter 4

The blood appears almost instantly, as a burning pain flows through his entire arm. He hasn't cut deep, but it is his first time, so he's not used to the pain. Whimpering, he grabs a bunch of toilet paper, and presses it to his arm, as his thoughts continue to whirl around in his head.

A knock at the door startles him, jolting him out of his thoughts. Hurriedly, he presses the toilet paper down harder, hoping the blood is stopping. A minute later, he lifts the bloodstained paper, sighing in relief when he notices the blood flow has ceased. He grabs a fresh bunch of toilet paper and wraps his arm, pulling his sleeve down.

Standing, he surveys the bathroom once more, before sticking the razor in his pocket, and opening the door. He's face to face with James, and the brunette goes silent, looking up at his older brother with guilt consuming him. He hurt James, and he feels so bad about it. The poor guy doesn't deserve that. He feels so terrible when James steps back, almost as if he's scared.

"James? I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" He whispers, looking straight into the taller boy's hazel eyes. "Please…Carlos hates me…I hate me…I'm so sorry…you didn't deserve that…"

He braces himself for James' reaction, expecting a lot of yelling, cursing, the works. But surprisingly, James smiles at him.

"Forgiven," James says, looking at him. "C'mere, bro."

He holds out his arms, and Logan practically collapses into them. He buries his face in James' chest, sobbing hard, shaking and trembling.

"Logie? You okay, buddy?" Logan ignores the question, as he continues to break down. He feels James lift him once more, and walk down the hallway. Inwardly, he's berating himself. He's so weak; he breaks down at every little thing. How the hell is he going to manage his new diet when he can't even apologize without crying?!

He feels James lay him on his bed, and the taller brunette sit next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"What's going on with you, Logie?" Logan wants to confess everything, the cutting, the starving, the insecurity, everything. He wants to admit how horrible he feels on the inside, how Carlos' words left him empty and broken, how, for the first time in his life, he thought of ending his life. He honestly thinks Carlos and Kendall hate him. After all, he's a horrible excuse for a human being.

It's not just what Carlos said. This has been building up for a while now. He's been seeing the hate comments on his Twitter feed for days, being called ugly and fat for months, but the worst part, is that he's hated himself for years.

* * *

James tares at the smaller boy in front of him, trying to get an idea of what's wrong. Logan isn't himself, and that's quite obvious. The fact that he blew up at him hours ago, honestly startled James. Logan's words did hit him hard, and though most wouldn't expect it, he is pretty sensitive.

It doesn't seem that way, but he is.

* * *

"Jamie…what if someone were to tell you that they just did something they're really regretting and praying their brother won't be hate then?" Logan doesn't know what James will think of his words, but it's worth a try. He just hopes that James doesn't realize that he is the someone.

"Well…" James says thoughtfully. "I'd listen to the person, and talk to them, and comfort them for as long as they need it. I would _never_ hate you."

Logan's heart skips a beat. "H-How did you k-know it was me?"

"It wasn't that hard to figure out, Logie. Now, what's up? Please tell me what's wrong," James whispers, grasping one of Logan's hands in his own.

Logan looks up at James' anxious eyes, wondering how he should start. It's not like he can just say, 'hey, I just started cutting, that's all.' He's not going to tell James about the starving himself, because that's going to be kept a complete secret. It'll be a surprise for his brothers; to see how much weight he's lost. The cutting…well, even if James knows, there's nothing he can really do about it. Even if James is with him 24/7, he can't stop him from going to the bathroom, thinking he's going to pee, when he's actually going to cut.

"I'm so sorry, Jamie," he whispers, pulling his left sleeve up, and removing the toilet paper, revealing the cut he made just a few minutes earlier.

* * *

James gasps in shock, taking Logan's arm in his. The pale skin is marred by a pinkish-red cut, which is pretty fresh. Logan must've cut when he knocked on the bathroom door, minutes ago.

Shocked, James pulls Logan into his arms, rubbing his back, as Logan's tears begin to fall once more. He cries with his brother, his tears soaking into Logan's brown tufts of hair. Logan shakes in his arms, and he holds him tighter, as they both cry.

After a few minutes, Logan lifts his head, looking up at him with the most pitiful expression. "I'm sorry. It just…helped…I couldn't take it anymore…and it just helped."

"Please…don't do this to yourself," James begs, hugging Logan tighter. His little brother should _not _have to deal with this. Logan's always been a happy, cheerful, sweet, smart guy. But is that all a mask? Is his brother really breaking on the inside?

He didn't even realize how broken Logan was. All the hate comments, Griffin's words, everything probably just got to him. How could he let this happen? Logan's his baby brother, he's supposed to be safe and protected and _happy._ Not so broken that he actually _harmed _himself.

* * *

"You wouldn't understand," Logan mutters, shaking his head. After all, no one understands him. No one understands how broken he is, and how he _needs_ to feel that physical pain.

"I understand, Logan," James replies, looking him in the eye.

"How the hell do you know what this feels like?!"

James doesn't say anything, but Logan watches as he rolls up both of his sleeves. Both of his arms are covered in pinkish-red, fresh cuts.

**I'm sorry this update was late, I was busy yesterday. But, what do you think of James' cutting? This was another Jagan chapter, but this story is going to be Jagan ****_bromance_****. It's not a slash story, and I'm sorry to all the readers who want it to be one. Review! I'd love to hear your opinions!**

**XO ~Neha**


	5. Chapter 5

Logan stares in shock, at James' mangled arms. They're lined with cuts and scars, from wrist to elbow.

"James…why?" He chokes out, tears falling down his cheeks.

"I'm not nearly as strong as you think I am, Logan. I'm broken as well, but much farther down than you," James mutters, covering his arms. "I cut multiple times a day. It's an addiction that I can't live without."

"How the hell did you hide this from us?! How long have you been doing this?! Why did you even start?!" Logan rambles on, shooting out a bunch of questions.

"Whoa, hang on. You know my love for bandanas?" James looks up with tears in his eyes, before speaking again. "That's how I hid it. The wristdanas. As for how long, I started…right after the audition, when Gustavo said I had no talent…it was okay, I only cut maybe once a day, and sometimes I even forgot a day or two, but during our first concert….when I saw you guys tried to replace me…it got really bad…and it's been horrible since then. I don't blame you, or Kendall, or Carlos, or Gustavo, or Kelly. I blame myself. This is all my fault, because I'm such a fucked up asshole."

"Oh, Jay…" Logan whispers, his tears falling faster. How could he have not noticed…? His brother is hurting so badly, and he couldn't even see it. What kind of doctor is he? What if James had decided to just end everything?! What then?! Some doctor he is.

"I…I" James stutters, swallowing hard. Logan knows he's trying his best not to let a tear escape. He's trying to stay strong, when inside, he really isn't.

* * *

It's horrible. All the pent up emotion has slammed into him, and James can't take it anymore. He's doing his absolute best not to cry, not to show weakness, not to look vulnerable, but the act can only go on for so long. He's not strong enough, and it's becoming quite obvious.

"Jay…c'mere," Logan whispers. He's pulled into his brother's arms, his face pressed against Logan's chest.

And then it happens.

The tears break free, and soon he's sobbing hysterically into Logan's shirt, inches away from hyperventilating. His breathing is ragged, his mind is unfocused, and right now, the only thing he can think of, is the horrible emotional trauma raging through him.

He's a mess. A fucked up mess.

"Shhh, I gotcha, bro. You're safe," Logan's voice invades his ears, but James is too worked up to hear him. He can't even tell what Logan said. He's too overwhelmed, and right now, the thoughts of suicide are consuming him, pulling him in with evil claws. He can't do this. It's just too fucking hard. Everything's been hidden for over a year, and he just can't do it anymore.

"I-It hurts…" he mumbles, his voice muffled by Logan's shirt.

"I know, Jay, I know. It's gonna be okay. I'm here," Logan whispers. James feels Logan rubbing his back, and he knows the shorter brunette is trying to calm him down. It doesn't seem to be working, but James can feel himself begin to breathe normally again. He hiccups, whimpering, before lifting his head off Logan's chest.

"I'm-I'm sorry…" He whispers, hanging his head. He's supposed to be stronger than that. He's supposed to be strong for Logan. Breaking down in his little brother's arms isn't on his to do list for the day.

"It's okay, bro. You needed that. Don't you dare apologize," Logan tells him, looking at James with sympathetic eyes.

He needs to feel pain. He hasn't cut in hours, and he needs to. But, how is he going to get past Logan? He doesn't want to tell Logan what he's doing, nor does he want to refrain from causing himself harm. He hates to lie to Logan, but he has no choice. He just hopes Logan doesn't notice. He's not a great liar.

"I think I'm gonna go take a nap," James lies, still not meeting Logan's gaze.

"James…don't lie to me. If you're tired, fine, but if this is just an excuse to cut, stay here. Talk to me."

"I'm tired," He says, still looking down. He stands, and rushes out of their room, and straight into his bathroom. He has a razor in his pocket, and he closes the door, forgetting to lock it in his desperation.

He slides to the floor, and pulls out the razor, before rolling up his sleeve.

"One for being weak." _Slash_

"One for being worthless." _Slash_

"One for-"

James is cut off, as the door opens. He looks up, startled. It can't be Kendall or Carlos. They'd freak. Then again, it'd be even worse if it were Logan. He'd know about the lie, and he would probably be very hurt. Unfortunately, Logan stands there, his eyes darkened by anger.

When he speaks, his words are cold and coated in venom. "You lied to me."

**I know, this chapter is short. It's kinda a filler, because the next chapter will be full of drama. Kendall and Carlos will also appear, and well, I've got a few things planned. Review! You guys are amazing! Thank you for all the reviews, alerts, favorites and follows! **

**XO ~Neha**


	6. Chapter 6

"I…erm…I can explain," James says desperately, looking at Logan with fear in his eyes. He's honestly scared of his little brother, because Logan looks _furious_.

"Save it, James," Logan growls, stepping inside the small room. He watches, as Logan walks over, and sits down next to him. The brunette's features are stony, his face void of all emotion. James watches as he rips toilet paper from the holder, and presses it to the cuts on his bleeding arm.

When the bleeding stops, Logan stands and pulls a roll of gauze from the cabinet. He kneels beside James, and grabs his arm, wrapping it in gauze.

The entire time, James watches. Logan grows angrier by the second, and he's dreading the few minutes after Logan finishes up his cuts.

As the small brunette cuts off the gauze, James' stomach sinks.

Finally, Logan turns to face him, anger in his dark eyes. "What the fuck, James?! Why the fuck did you do this?! You fucking lied to me!"

Whoa. James has _never_ heard Logan curse that much. The smaller brunette tends to avoid saying fuck. Where'd that foul language even _come _from? Oh, well. Calling Logan out on his language would just anger the brunette further, therefore worsening his plight.

"I can't take it anymore, Logan. It hurts too much…please, try to understand…"

"No. I don't understand. You lied to me, James! You told me you were going to nap! But instead, I find you slitting your wrists! You chose that fucking razor, over me! You could've talked to me, but instead you turn to a razor! Is that your way of telling me that a razor is better than me?"

"No! I-"

"I've heard enough, James. Don't bother talking to me for a while. I need some time to myself." And with that, Logan gets to his feet, and walks out of the bathroom, leaving James alone to drown in his own misery.

* * *

Logan walks out of 2J, tears streaming down his cheeks. He doesn't want James or Kendall or Carlos to see him cry, so he runs to the parking garage, and get into his car. He starts driving, losing himself in thoughts.

Damn, he's stupid. James is hurting and he can't even stop it. He can't even get his brother to open up. James chose a _razor_, over him. That just proves how fucking worthless he is. Oh, and fat. He's an obese pig. All he does is eat. He doesn't even exercise, like Kendall, James, or Carlos. No one would care if he left. No one cares about him to begin with. He's just a complete waste of spaces, a waste of space that nobody wants. He deserves to fucking _die._

His phone rings, and he looks at the caller ID. _James. _Not bothering to answer the phone, he continues driving, not knowing, or caring where he's going. He wouldn't care if he crashed his car, at this point. He deserves to die, after all. Carlos still hates him, he has no idea about Kendall, and James is probably cutting again. Because he decided to walk out, instead of comforting his brother. Because he's an asshole, and he's selfish. He only cares about himself, and that's why he's such a goddamn screw-up. If he'd gotten his nose out of those stupid medical books, he may have noticed why James has been wearing long sleeve shirts all the time. He may have noticed how his best friend, his _brother_ is suicidal. But no. He's a selfish fatass that should go to hell.

Logan pulls the razor from his pocket, his vision blurred by tears. He didn't even notice he was crying, until he felt the dampness on his face and his vision become distorted. He rolls up his sleeve, and with no hesitation, presses the blade to his bare wrist.

* * *

"I'm such a fucking _idiot_!" James cries, tugging at his hair. His brother didn't answer the phone, and now he's _extremely_ worried. He _needs_ to find Logan. The smaller brunette probably had a razor with him, and he's not in a right state of mind.

"James!" Carlos rushes up to him, his eyes widened. "You've been crying. Was it Logan again?"

"No!" He replies, staring at the Latino in shock. He wonders what Carlos must've said to James. Carlos isn't one to yell at people, that's usually Kendall. If Carlos yelled at Logan, and it affected him _this_ much, it had to have been something harsh and cruel. "What did you say to him, Carlos?!"

"I confirmed what he truly is. An asshole." Carlos almost looks smug. Like hurting Logan was his intent all along.

Anger darkens James' gaze. "You broke Logan, Carlos. You hurt him so badly…I don't even want to _think_ about what he would've done, if I hadn't gotten there in time. He was just told by Griffin that he's overweight! He's sensitive right now! He's traumatized, distressed, distraught, and just plain upset! Of course, you don't seem to care. You just kicked him while he was already down! So what if he made me cry?! He didn't mean it! He's Logan, for god's sake! He wouldn't hurt a fly! He's just really upset and he took it out on me! We're fine. He apologized, and I accepted it. But you know what else he told me?! He told me that you hate him, and that he hates _himself_! For all we know, he could be somewhere, thinking of _killing_ himself! So I'm going to ask you this. Why the fuck did you _break _my little brother?!"

"He's changed! He acts like a completely different person! He doesn't talk to anyone, he's always pissed, either having his nose in a goddamn medical textbook, or locking himself in your room!"

"All the more reason for us to be concerned about him!" James shoots back a reply, before turning away. "I'm going to go find him. Let me know when you decide to stop being a fucking asshole."

* * *

"Carlos, what just happened?!" Kendall asks, surprised by James' angry walk out.

"I may have said some things to Logan that hurt him, and James is pissed about it, but I did it because Logan made him cry!" Carlos replies desperately, hoping Kendall won't yell at him.

"I'm not taking sides. Let's go find them, and fix this," Kendall mutters, grabbing his car keys.

"But Logan _was _being an asshole…"

"Carlos."

"Fine!"

**So yeah. What'd you guys think? Review!**

**XO ~Neha**


	7. Chapter 7

James drives toward an empty lot, his thoughts racing. An empty lot might seem deserted, but he knows that Logan often goes there to think. The small brunette relishes the loneliness, because it gives him time to put his thoughts together, as he's told James.

He's so scared of what Logan may've done to himself. He doesn't care that his brother is mad at him; his main focus is the fact that Logan could be cutting as well. _God, I'm a horrible friend. _The thought alarms him, until he replays the events of the day in his head. He _has _been a horrible friend.

Honestly, everything's overwhelming him. Finding out about Logan's cutting, revealing his own self-harm addiction, the fight with Logan…everything's just piling up. James isn't one to do well under pressure. He may appear calm, collected, composed, in pressuring situations, but on this inside, he's freaking out. Cracking, almost. James Diamond does _not _do well under pressure.

He looks out at the road in front of him, searching for landmarks that'll tell him how far away he is. Suddenly, his phone begins to ring, starling him. James glances at the caller ID, which is displaying _Kendall._ Taking one hand off the wheel, he grabs the iPhone, and puts it on speaker, so he can talk and drive at the same time.

"_James?"_ Kendall sounds anxious, almost worried, as he speaks. James knows why, and a part of him is annoyed with Carlos for telling the blonde. It's not that he didn't want Kendall to know, it's just that now, everything's going to turn into a bigger mess, bigger than it was ever intended to be.

"Hey, Ken. I assume Carlos told you what happened?" He speaks coolly, not wanting another fight, one between him and Kendall.

_"Yeah. We're on our way. This needs to be fixed."_ Hold on. Kendall and Carlos are coming?! That's a problem. Logan looks to be almost _scared _of the Latino. There's no _way_ he'll talk, if Carlos is there. James needs to figure out how to detour his other brothers, so he can get a chance to talk with Logan.

"Listen, Ken. I think that I should talk to Logan, alone. He's really upset, hurt, and vulnerable. And god, Carlos scared him, dude. He's never yelled at anyone like that… Logan's never seen Carlos that pissed. I know Carlos was defending me, but he really hurt Logan. Can you talk to him? Because I tried, and he didn't listen."

He hears Kendall sigh heavily, before speaking again. _"Yeah, sure. Promise me you'll bring our Logie back in one piece? And make sure he's okay?"_

"I promise, Ken." James smiles, though he knows Kendall can't see it.

_"Thanks, Jay. I'll see you soon, kay?"_

"Yep. Bye, Ken."

"Bye. I love you, dude."

"Love you too, bro." James ends the call, just in time. He's reached his destination. Logan's car is a few feet ahead, parked on the side of the road. James parks behind the car, and gets out, grabbing his phone. He looks around, catching sight of the smaller brunette, sitting on the concrete, leaning against a brick wall.

He begins to jog over, and as he nears the saddened boy, James catches sight of blood. Blood stains Logan's entire left wrist. The said boy is crying, an empty, broken look in his eyes.

"Oh, Logie…" James whispers, kneeling down in front of his brother. He'll never forget the look on Logan's face when he acknowledges his presence. It's the most broken look he's ever seen, and for the first time in his life, he's thinking about life without Logan. Doing his best to will the thoughts away, he listens, as Logan begins to speak.

"Go away, James." He'd be lying if those words didn't go straight to his heart. But he knows that Logan's really broken right now. He can't be aware of what he's saying.

Wordlessly, he pulls Logan into his arms, wincing as his little brother begins to crumble. Logan's sobbing, crying and bleeding all over his shirt. But that doesn't matter. He can always buy a new shirt, but he could _never_ buy another Logan.

* * *

"Carlos, we're not going anywhere. Not until you tell me what the hell you did to Logan." Kendall's voice is cold as he looks at the Latino, his eyes blazing green fire.

Carlos glances up, with a look of alarm. "I didn't do anything! I yelled at him…but he made James cry!"

"I know. And that was a little uncharacteristic of him. But you really hurt him, Carlos."

Carlos sighs. "I guess I screwed up, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you kinda did…Carlos, apologize to Logan when James brings him back. He's not okay, not since Griffin talked shit about him."

"Okay…"

* * *

"Logie…" James' voice fills his ears, but Logan doesn't respond. He doesn't feel like talking. E just wishes James hadn't found him. He wishes that he was left alone, to drown in his own misery. Pathetic. After all, that's what he is. Weak and pathetic.

He's always been the weakest one. Kendall's the leader, James is the protector, Carlos is the muscle, and Logan's the weak one. The indecisive one. The nerd. Oh yeah. That last one was why he was bullied so much in Minnesota. Everyone assumed that all he had was his brain, and they were pretty much correct. He was a suckish hockey player, and he honestly doesn't know how his friends love his singing. Popular vote says it's terrible. Popular vote says he's terrible in general.

"I'm not good enough…" he speaks softly, not wanting James to hear.

However, the tall brunette has heard enough. "Logan, don't talk like that. You've always been good enough. Don't think otherwise. You've always been amazing. You're perfect, and we love you."

"What if…what if I don't love myself?"

He looks at James, watching as the older boy's confident expression turns to sadness. James waits a moment, like he's considering his words, before speaking. "Then, Logie, we'll help you to love yourself. _I'll_ help you to love yourself. You'll never be alone, bro. I promise I'll be there."

Logan sighs. He loves James, and he's so grateful to have an amazing older brother, but he can't help but feel horrid. Worthless and useless, like he's of no value. He's never mattered to anyone. The emotional and mental pain is _much _worse. To him, having scars on his wrist is a lot better than the permanent scars on his heart. Yeah, his heart's physically fine. _Physically._ He's been abused, cheated, lied to, belittled…the list goes on. And all that has left the scars on his heart.

**So…there we go. I'm sorry this is so late, writer's block's horrible. x.x I'll try to get the next chapter out earlier! Also, when the guys say they love each other, it's purely ****_bromance. _****They love each other like brothers, as I don't write slash xD JUst clearing that up for you guys! Anyways, I'd love to know what you think, so review!**

**XO ~Neha**


	8. Chapter 8

"Logie, I need to get you home. I think you should sleep for a while. It'll help, trust me," James whispers, meeting Logan's broken gaze. The smaller brunette does look tired, and he's been through a lot. Sleep is just what he needs, maybe he'll feel better afterward.

The cuts on his arm concern him, however. James wonders if they're too deep, and hopes, for Logan's sake, that they aren't. He doesn't think Logan wants to tell Kendall and Carlos about this, after all, he feels the same way. A pang of guilt hits him, keeping the other half of the band in the dark. He knows that it has to be done, though.

"Okay." Logan speaks softly, almost inaudible. It's easy to see that he's tired, upset, distressed, and just an emotional mess right now. His heart breaking, James turns back to the other boy.

"Do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?"

"I'll walk," Logan replies, casting his eyes downward.

"Okay, c'mon," James whispers, hauling the other brunette to his feet. Slowly, he begins to lead Logan to his car.

* * *

The drive home being silent, both guys walk into 2J, James leading Logan in. Kendall's watching TV, while Carlos is nowhere to be found. The blond looks up as they enter, his eyes widening. He jumps off the couch and walks over to Logan, his concern reflected in his eyes.

"Logie?" Kendall looks at his little brother with sympathy, noting how miserable and broken he looks.

"I'm gonna go to my room," James says. He presses his lips down to Logan's head, nods to Kendall, and leaves the room.

* * *

Logie…" Kendall whispers, wrapping his little brother into a warm, tight embrace. He notices instantly how Logan doesn't hug him back, and just stands stiffly in place. He's letting Kendall hug him though, which is a good sign. However, not hugging back is uncharacteristic of him.

"You okay?" He says, stepping back. Logan doesn't look at all okay, but he still feels that the question is necessary. Though in his eyes, Logan is vulnerable and innocent, the small brunette has a temper, possessing a strong ability to fight back, both physically and verbally. He's not someone to be messed with, no matter how much he may appear that way.

"Yeah." Logan's words are emotionless and empty, his gaze on the hardwood floor. Kendall watches as he pushes past, and walks in the direction James went, probably heading for their room.

* * *

He can't even describe it.

The feeling…the emotion Logan's been feeling for the past few weeks. It can't be put into words, but it's _horrid._

He feels empty, hollow, almost not there. He feels like he doesn't matter, he has no value, but worst of all, if he killed himself right then and there, no one would care.

* * *

"Carlos?"

A voice startles the Latino out of his thoughts, and he looks up. Stephanie is standing there, a smile gracing her face. They've been dating for a few months now, and are completely in love.

"Hey, Steph," he replies, scooting over and opening his arms. He's sitting by the pool, just thinking, and now he's glad Stephanie showed up. She sits down next to him, and leans into his chest, as he wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"Steph…what would you do if you fucked up really badly, and the person you hurt is really torn up, and your other friends are freakin' pissed at you?" Carlos doesn't even know why he asked that, but he's pretty curious to hear Stephanie's answer.

"'Litos, what'd you do?" Stephanie's facial expression transforms into one of concern, as she looks at her boyfriend.

Scratching his head, Carlos decides to tell her the truth. "So…Logan said some crap that hurt James, and I yelled at him, and said stuff much worse, and made him cry, and he's a mess, and both James and Kendall and freakin' pissed at me. I regret it…but James won't let me near Logan."

Stephanie sighs, looking away. "You gotta talk to Logan. James is just being over-protective, 'Litos. He's worried that you might say something that'll hurt Logan even more. And from the way he's looked the past few days, Logan doesn't seem okay. Be very gentle, baby, and don't upset him. He's fragile."

Carlos winces when she says fragile. Logan _hates_ being called fragile, vulnerable, etc. He hates being judged for his size, something he can't control.

He nods to Stephanie, smiling and kisses her cheek. "Thanks."

* * *

"Logie-bear, please talk to me!" James stands outside their bedroom door, begging. He even called his brother 'Logie-bear'. That nickname is only used in desperate times, because Logan _despises _it. He thinks it makes him sound weak and vulnerable.

Just as he predicts, the door swings open. But what James sees, makes his eyes widen to the size of soccer balls, and his jaw drop to the floor.

**Cliffy, eh? What do you think James saw? Also, I'm sorry that updates are so late. School's started, and I'm already in over my head. I'll update as fast as I can, but I don't know how long that'll be. I'm sorry. Thanks for reading, and please review! I love you guys!**

**XO ~Neha**


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